It's been forever since I've posted so I can't imagine a whole lot of you will see this but...
One of my on going side projects is figuring out why I'm such a mess. It doesn't matter for the purposes of this discussion in what ways I am a mess only that I am and the question before us is why?
I'm working on a theory that to be an orthodox Christian, perhaps more specifically evangelical Christian (I really can only speak for myself and my context although I'll freely speculate about others), is to be in some sense mentally retarded. I don't mean this in the 6th grade pejorative sense but in the technical sense that my thinking is "retarded" or "held back" (see discussion regarding the meaning of words on Wallace's site) by my evangelical culture. I want to make clear that it is not the tenets of orthodoxy (or doctrines, if you prefer) so much as the CULTURE that grows up around those doctrines and beliefs.
It would seem to be evangelical Christian is to be in some sense a dogged, ruthless literalist. Every statement set forth is either "true" or "untrue". Words, statements themselves really only have some kind of propositionalist content. Conversation or any kind of speaking (sermonizing, Biblical texts, singing, etc.) is a lot like math. We add up the parts and see what solution presents itself. The goal is to make sure all the parts are "true" and then you can be certain that your "solution" is ultimately "correct".
There is in this world no room or at the very least little room for creativity, speculation, and failure (the potential for "heresy" hangs over our head all day every day). Thus evangelicalism has a very difficult time conversing with the "normal" people (they would call them the "world" however and count it a spiritual badge of honor that they cannot converse with them). Thus my designation of such as "mentally retarded".
Worse than the inability to be creative, speculative, or fallible (except within limited ranges) is our inability to identify context. This is the heartbeat of my intellectual life at this point: attempting to determine how inter-contextual discourse can be in any way formative, transformative or (heaven-forbid) "authoritative". We are certain that reality is as we see it and that any deviance (with some exception) is the result of sin and Babel.
In a Sunday School class, we're discussing Christian's response to "culture". We were discussing the increasing "sexualization" of t.v. and art. One woman wondered if we have a movie "in our home" that, should Jesus show up (and we all know he's there anyway), we would find ourselves embarrassed to have- why do we have it? In a blinding moment of insight I realized the core problem of the statement- "Jesus" becomes a blank abstraction upon which we project our notion of "righteousness" or "holiness" upon and then believing ourselves to be functioning TRANS-contextually (if I'm being charitable) or A-contextually (if I am not) we impose that projection on those around us. It assumes that Jesus cannot bear to even hear profanity (his ears turn red) or see the forest for the trees, being so caught up in the sins of those around him (or on film) he is unable to see to the hearts of those to whom he ministers (or the throughline of a movie, book, or t.v. program).
After this discussion I had to go and sit through church which is becoming an increasingly asinine experience. The music never varies in content, tenor, or tune. Or rather I should say that the variance is systemically formulated to bring us to predetermined states of spiritual ecstasy which again feels less like substantive "worship" and more like emotive projection. We watched slides with pictures going by with the names of all the churches who participated in "Sharefest" flashing intermittently with verses about "letting our light shine" (I'd kill at this point for a little ignorance on the part of the left hand). We got to pat ourselves on the back for the community service we all did, giddy at the thought of having seen God "work" we celebrated the fact that although we had struggled to sell all our fund-raising t-shirts God came through and some people bought them. Hallelujah. Let's go to Luby's.
This was followed by celebration of the Eucharist in which I was handed a crumb of (wheat free) cracker and a half a communion cup of grape juice and given thirty seconds to "do business with the Lord" and toss them back in time for more singing. No blasphemy I could have committed this week could have been so bad as to invalidate the whole experience or demand my penance so paltry were the symbols and so flat the call to participate in the ancient.
I did find some old Terry Talbot tapes. He's a CCM artist from the late 70s and early 80s. Sweeping operatic choruses about the coming of Christ. Polemics against abortion and starvation in East Africa. I used to love this stuff. I still do in a nostalgic sort of way. But no wonder I felt an overwhelming sense of oppression all the time. Jesus coming back at any time and you just sitting there playing with your legos while east africa dies and babies are ripped from their mother's wombs. Fuck it's a wonder I can see straight... | 
